Life's quite backwards compared to what it was three years ago. I'm not quite sure what I think of it. For once, I'm not the one going to school, I'm the one working to pay off the bills. For once, I'm not involved with a seemingly "crazy" person, but I'm the one that feels, and probably seems crazy in every single way. I feel a form of love, and depending on the day I feel like a puppy dog on extacy to a mature adult that feels romance. I'm losing weight again. I'm not quite sure what the reason is though. It's not for "them" anymore, I think this time it's for me and my man. I don't care if my makeup and hair is done when I go to work in the morning, because the few that talk to me enjoy my words not the fucking makeup caked on. I think I'm almost over the hardest struggle, but I can never be so sure. With me, and the rest of the world...I can only expect the unexpected. But that's okay. I'm not afraid of other girls anymore. They have boobs and a cunt, and so do I. Some are more attractive then me, but that's okay. 
I worry more than ever though. Hence the reason why my writing's been dwindling off because my writing is quite flat and obsessive. See, I'm learning how to survive like an adult. I'm gaining some form of a backbone but that only goes for the people that I'll never know because they're too obsessed with themselves to see the beauty in anyone else. But for Ben...it's a little different. I'm tired of feeling so Bi-Polar when I think of him. Unlike three years ago, it's not because I hate my man, it's because I'm freakishly in love with him. The lack of sex has nothing to do with him, but more of my concern that he might be thinking of someone else. And thinking of someone else while I'm with him is impossible when it comes to me.
So while I'm at work, he's going back to school. And I wonder what he's like around "other people"; those that aren't his friend but aren't his enemy either. And what can I do if I never know?

Like right now, he's been done since eight-thirty and is apparently still talking to his mom. I'd like to believe him but I remember a time when he would be at my house before I could fucking snap my finger. And it bothers me.

Scratch that. He just called. Apparently he's been outside. I overreact so much when I actually give a damn.  

My throats tight again to the extent that even drinking water seems like a fucking chore. Was I wrong? 

See, during that lovely little period of time that I was "homeless", I turned twenty. Abandoned and alone I decided that I would pawn a $400 ring that my parents had gotten for my for my eighteenth birthday. 
I set a loan for it for about $25 because that's all they would give me. I figured that with a job I could buy it back. I figured I'd probably get a job within the month. 
I wonder if it's still even there.
I feel like crying but I can't. Although I feel fucking horrible I don't believe I was in the wrong. They kicked me out. I had to do what I had to do. I felt that if I could at least have some kind of a fucking birthday I could be happy.
She sat downstairs today, "It's not like we kicked you out and laughed about it. It wasn't a joke."
Yeah right.
And even if she wasn't lying, shit, I still feel like a fucking joke.

I really should go check on it tomorrow, though. 

I'm hoping these feelings are somehow correlating to the events that took place a year ago. Perhaps I'm just worried that he'll leave me. I'm probably just over-analyzing. But even so, why does he feel so goddamn distant? I've tried to justify my thoughts; maybe I've just fallen out of love for him. But I know that I haven't, otherwise I wouldn't be so goddamn paranoid. So what is this? Why are we fighting so much? Why is every word so fucking repetitive? What the hell is going on here? 

I start a new job tomorrow, I have no intent on keeping it, I just want to use it as a balance ball until I can gain further stability. I'm fucking worried though. For me, 8-5 spells insanity, and when I'm worried enough about my relationship I seriously wonder what the outcome of this will be. 

Either way, I should probably shower now. I need to talk to him before I lose my mind.